I Hope I Dance

Day 91-

So today I wanted to see just how far I’ve come in terms of the knee so I put on one of my ballet conditioning workouts.  I was unable to do grande pile but I could do the demi.  I was able to do the piles flat but I couldn’t do them in releve.  I was able to do Rond de jambe but to do Rond de jambe en l’air I didn’t even attempt.  Then, I tried to do a Developpe and I broke out in a cry and nearly fell down… thankfully my couch was behind me and caught me.  I’ve never felt such pain!!  It shot through me and I felt it in my back even it was so strong and intense.  I wanted to cry… I want to shout… but mostly, I was disappointed that with how far I’ve come to do such a simple move (you bring the leg up to the knee while bent and then open the leg while straightening the leg.  Easy.) that up till the flare up of my injury I could do while on pointe.  It was a true crush to my ego to think that I still can’t so this… that it’s too painful and it had me thinking… what if I can never do this again?  I asked my doctor before the surgery if I’d be able to dance again and he didn’t know… mostly because the people who get this surgery aren’t dancing for a hobby.  He said that we would learn and find out together but that pain and the inability to most of the other simple exercises at the barre didn’t give me a whole lot of encouragement that I will even go back on pointe.  And to me, that’s the saddest loss of all… to lose something that means so much to me and makes me so proud to think that I may have just lost it… I can’t even being to think about it, it kills me to deeply.